The Head and The Heart

I know this, I've felt this before.  I am here, once more. 
I've done it again, haven't I?
Sigh... Curse this sin that I'm in, immersed in it.
I even chose it.
I've drifted, biffed it, picked it, blew it. Again.
It's a pattern, a refrain:
Darted my mind, so stumble my eyes and extend my hands, only to abandon my heart. 
As if my heart has ADD: it's attention then given to Addiction, Distraction, Depression. 
And so there's retention.
I retain my choices, my target, my aim, all for my own gain.
Again I do choose to make it about me.
Even though I've cried that plea, to be emptied.
Over and over. 
But I still don't get over me.
And the emptied, I fill with filth. 
I rinse with repentance but then I repeat. . .
And I'm left to repeat my repent.
It's exhausting.
Exhausting that I can't extinguish this part of me, this sin. 
And I actually chose it AGAIN.
Is my heart is tethered to sin?
And it returns back to him?! to men? no, to me.
Pure irony that I could feel so trapped and yet be so free.
So contained by this pain I feel, but want to believe what's real.
Because if my head and heart would sync. . .
And what's real was not just a part but the whole of me. . .
Am I deceived? Or would my heart control and the vomit of my soul be clean?

fear or free (draft)

the difference between free and fear is one letter, but one word. love.